Bereavement & Loss

Often the bereaved are not prepared for the roller-coaster of different emotions felt when someone close to them dies. Grief is not something that can be put off or ignored; it needs to be experienced, even though this can be very painful. Life is full of endings and new beginnings as we move through our journey. Death is an ending, the biggest ending we will ever experience, and this needs to be worked through. We need to grieve not only for the person that has died but for ourselves. Most people manage to work through the cycle of grief in time, but for some the maze of emotional feelings becomes overwhelming and the feeling of utter despair and loneliness can take over their lives.

Although people are individuals and mourn in different ways at different times, there are recognised stages of grief. Not everyone will go through them all, but the following are the most common. They do not necessarily come in this order, and they often overlap:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Bereavement Care – Self-Help Guide

Think of anxiety like a car alarm, most cars have an alarm and normally they only go off when something is different, for example someone trying to break in. But we all know some cars have alarms that go off with just a little extra wind or rain, possibly because they are more sensitive or there is a slight fault. Anxiety in people is much the same – we need it like a car needs an alarm to keep us safe, however sometimes our anxiety is more sensitive just like a sensitive car alarm when situations are difficult.

What is anxiety?

It’s a feeling of unease, it may make us feel worried or frightened, sometimes just a mild feeling, and other times its severe. Our heart beats faster; we can feel hot and sweaty and even short of breath. Anxiety can change our behaviours; usual situations can seem more worrying, difficult situations can make us fearful.

Feeling Anxious

• The fight-or-flight response plays a critical role in how we deal with stress and danger in our environment. Essentially, the response prepares the body to either fight or flee the threat
• This creates a sudden release of hormones, resulting in an increase in heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate
• After the threat is gone, it takes between 20 and 60 minutes for the body to return to its pre-arousal levels

Feeling Frustrated

• Ask yourself, “What is working in this situation?”
• Focus on what you want to happen
• What are alternative solutions?
• What action can I take?
• Visualize a positive outcome to the situation
• Stay calm and positive

Self-care

• Deep breathing
• Get some fresh air (even if it is stand by an open window for the moment)
• Move away from the situation for a moment
• Make a drink
• Phone a colleague

Managing Anxiety

• Make time for your worries, rather than thinking about things constantly all day. Give yourself a time slot to think through what is concerning you, it can help you focus on other things for the rest of the time.
• Understand what it is that causes you to be anxious so you can work out actions to help yourself.
• Some people find relaxation and mindfulness can help with anxious feelings, it relieves tension and helps us focus on the present, the ‘here and now’. We spend a lot of our time either in the past or in the future trying to be anywhere else but now. All we really do have is the here and now, this moment. See if you can catch your mind wandering from the here and now and try and bring it back to this moment.

The key to rebuilding a life after dealing with a death is to realise that life will never be as it was before. There has been an irrevocable change, and the journey through grief engendered by that loss will end in adapting to the change, not in trying to pretend that the change has not happened.

Experiences and feelings can differ however some common difficulties are:

• Not having their physical presence
• Not having the person to talk with about the everyday things that happen
• The loss of close affection and intimacy
• The void of their half of the bed being empty
• The home feeling empty, having a feeling the person will walk through the door at any moment, talking to them and then realising they are not there
• Constant reminders of your loss in your environment

When a partner dies, they may be family and friends around you but it often doesn’t fill the loneliness. Seeing other couples together can cause feelings of anger ‘why me’, ‘what did we do wrong’ the outside world seems to be set up for couple’s not single people.

People can often wish to talk about the person that has died, going through aspects of the relationship thinking through the good times and feeling remorse about the bad times. Partnerships often have specific roles and adjusting to doing everything can seem daunting, having to learn new skills cooking or finances for example can feel a massive responsibility all this can make people feel anxious and fearful of the future.

There are some difficult hurdles to face:

• Packing away a person’s belongings
• Facing anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas’ without the person not knowing quite how you should celebrate, if at all
• You may feel angry when people are insensitive with how you should be feeling
• Trying to keep the appearance of being fine when you don’t feel fine

People who are sensitive to your needs and allow you to be yourself will be a great support in your grief journey, bottling up or hiding grief will not help in the long run. Be kind to yourself and allow your mind and body to heal in its own time. Grief doesn’t go away but adaption to a ‘new normal’ can be achieved.

The quality of the support you have will vary and impact on how well you can cope with your changed life. If you find you have to hide your grief or if you tell yourself you must be strong and set aside your feelings because of the children you may find your grief piles up on you as you have no one to share it with or no way of letting it out. People who allow you to be yourself, who are sensitive to the difficulties of being on your own and learning to adjust will have a significant impact on how you get through this.

The death of an adult sibling has such a lot of meaning; the person would have shared experiences with you that no one else has. You would have shared memories from childhood some may have been unique. It is a loss of a link to the past; this person has known you for a long time from child to adult. A sibling is a constant in your life, and this can feel unsettling when that has been lost. Even if you were not always in each other’s worlds you knew they were there. It can make you very aware of your own mortality perhaps the death has made you the oldest child, the family dynamics have changed. Parents may be so caught up in their own loss a sibling can feel a sense of abandonment, maybe even resentment.

Grief after the death of a sibling can sometimes be complicated. Your relationship may not have been as you would have liked, you perhaps hadn’t seen each other as often as you would have liked as you moved into adulthood this may cause feelings of guilt. Siblings can also relive times when they have wished bad things about the sibling that has died; we often do this during childhood. These are all normal reactions to a loss of a Brother or Sister. Another complication may be due to supporting parents. This can be exhausting, trying to manage things in your own world as well as supporting parents and grieving.

Everyone is different and grieves the death of a child in their own unique way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, it is about doing what feels best for you at any given time. It is normal to shed a few tears, sob uncontrollably or do neither. There is no set pattern and no predetermined timescale.

Parents may feel that they have changed after the death of their child, so that they become unrecognisable to each other as the people who met and began a family life years before. Both parents will need their own space and time as they grieve for their child

Some people struggle with what to say to others who don’t know what’s happened. You may be asked about whether you have children, or how many children you have. It can help to have an answer ready, something you feel comfortable with. You will likely want to acknowledge your child’s existence. For example: ‘I’ve had three children but one is no longer with us.’

You might also feel you’ve lost your role as a parent. Parenthood is an important part of your identity and to lose that can be incredibly painful. Remember, you will always be their parent.

 

The following organisations also offer support after the death of a child:

 

The Compassionate Friends

Child death helpline: for anyone affected by the death of a child

Child Bereavement UK

A Child of Mine Charity

Many people view their pets as a member of their family, and for some, the loss of a pet can be as difficult as the loss of a loved one.

Some people feel that grieving for the loss of their pet can be particularly difficult because not everyone necessarily appreciates the impact that losing a pet can have. You may have heard others say ‘It’s just a pet’ or ‘it’s not like dealing with the loss of a person’, which can be painful and difficult to hear. Whatever the views of others may be, it should not in any way devalue your own feelings of grief. We are all unique and have the right to grieve for those we love, whether human or animal or something else.

Like with any loss or bereavement, everyone has different ways of coping. Below are a few strategies that you may find helpful when dealing with losing your pet.

• Give yourself the opportunity to grieve:

It is important that you allow yourself and your family the opportunity to grieve – there should be no expectation for you to ‘move on’. Give yourself as much time as you need, and if you feel that you need additional help and support, don’t be afraid to reach out.

• It’s ok to express your emotions:

Losing a pet will undoubtedly cause you to feel an array of emotions as you come to terms with your loss. People often feel sadness, guilt, despair, anger, depression, as well as other emotions – and this is ok. You don’t have to try to ‘be strong’ and ignore how you feel; allow yourself to express your feelings. Perhaps try talking to someone or writing down what you think and feel.

• Seek out others who have lost pets:

Speaking with other people who have also lost pets can be really helpful and provide a source of comfort and understanding. They may be able to better appreciate the magnitude of your loss and help by suggesting ways that can aid you throughout the grieving process.

• Hold a memorial:

Whether you prefer to hold a funeral or other ceremony, having a memorial in honour of your beloved pet can help provide a sense of closure. This can be done however you like, whether by yourself or with others, whatever feels right to you. You may choose to say a few words or visit a significant place, or display a photograph of your pet if and when you feel ready to.

• Routines:

People often say that they notice their other pets also seem to grieve over the loss of their companion. Maintaining your usual routine, such as feeding or walking/play times can benefit both you and your other pets. Don’t be afraid to also give them extra love and attention.

• Talk to someone:

Whether you would prefer to talk to friends, family members or a counsellor/professional therapist, this can significantly help your emotional and mental wellbeing. Talking to someone and being listened to can help you to work through your feelings and find ways to cope with your loss. Remember, pets are no exception. https://bereavementcare.uk/contact/

• Look after yourself:

Following any kind of loss it is important that you continue to look after yourself. Eat a balanced diet, get some regular exercise, and make time for yourself every day to do the things you enjoy. This will help you to give yourself a break. You could also schedule yourself ‘quiet time’, as this can provide an opportunity for you to reflect and express your emotions.

• Create a photo album:

Nowadays most people use their phones or other mobile devices to take and share photos, so why not get some of your favourite pictures printed and create a memory book? The actual process of compiling photos and physically putting the book together can help you to gain some closure, as well as be something you can share with friends and family members.

Further information and support:

• Coping with the death of a pet – Understanding pet loss grief and how to cope with the pain and sadness. More info here
• In the UK: Call the Pet Bereavement Support Service at 0800 096 6606
• https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-losing-a-pet.htm

Some of us may also have experienced multiple losses of different kinds during the pandemic, which can complicate or prolong our grief journey and impact on our ability to adapt and heal.

If you have lost a loved one during COVID-19

We all cope with loss of a loved one in different ways. Many people report experiencing disturbed sleep patterns, loss of/increased appetite, feelings of isolation, and increased anxiety, depression and/or stress, all of which can feel scary and overwhelming.

Whether the death of a loved one is due to COVID-19 or not, social distancing measures and limits on the number of people able to attend funerals/memorial services have had a dramatic impact on how we grieve, often making it more difficult.

The following are some strategies that you may find helpful when dealing with grief during this difficult time.

• Stay connected:

Stay in contact with friends and family – arrange regular phone or video calls, email or send text messages to one another, or stay in touch via social media. You could share stories and photographs, or create an online memorial page/website. You could arrange to hold a ‘virtual memorial service’ with family and friends to honour your loved one, e.g., choose a date and time to read a poem, say a prayer or just think about them – knowing that your friends or loved ones are doing this at the same time, although separated by distance, can provide a sense of community, belonging and comfort.

• Create a memory book:

Now more than ever many people use their phones or other mobile devices to take and share photos, so why not get some of your favourite pictures printed and create a memory book of your loved one? The actual process of compiling photos and physically putting the book together can help you to gain some closure, as well as be something you can share with friends and family members.

• Talk to someone:

Whether you would prefer to talk to friends, family members or a counsellor/professional therapist, this can significantly help your emotional and mental wellbeing. Talking to someone and being listened to can help you to work through your feelings and find ways to cope with your loss. Many contact us to find out how we can help.

If you are dealing with other forms of loss or change

For many people, COVID-19 has had a big impact on other areas of their life, not just the death of a loved one. For example, loss of employment or finances, being unable to visit friends, family or religious organisations in person, not being able to celebrate special occasions or milestones (e.g., birthdays, weddings, or holidays), changes to ways of life and daily routines, and so on. All of these can also cause us to experience feelings of grief – after all, we may have lost something that once brought us comfort, joy, stability or security. You shouldn’t feel guilty for grieving such losses because they seem less important than the loss of a life – all losses are significant and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

The following are some strategies that you may find helpful when coping with feelings of grief.

• Acknowledge your loss and your feelings:

It is normal and understandable that you feel a range of different emotions as you come to terms with your loss, and it’s important that you find safe ways to express your feelings. Some people express themselves through art, learning a new skill, cooking, gardening, talking to others, music, writing, or any other creative activity.

• Staying connected:

You could try creating new rituals and build these into your daily routine, such as regular phone/video calls with friends and family, or if you live with others, find an activity you can enjoy together, e.g., jigsaw puzzles, board games or exercise.